Young Geoffrey (ed_rex) wrote,
Young Geoffrey
ed_rex

  • Mood:

Memo to Self or, The Further Adventures of the Forty Year-Old Emo Kid

Laura was out all night again on Saturday.

"Have a good time," I'd said when she left, "and call if you're going to be really late, will you?"

"I don't think I will be," she said as she kissed me goodbye. "I've got a lot of school-work to do tomorrow."

"Well ..." I pulled her back towards me and kissed her again, "feel free to wake me up in a good way, if you're in the mood."

She grinned and blew me a final kiss as she walked out the door.

Saturday night was quiet, but okay. I fucked around on the computer, mostly ignored the hockey game, and was tired enough that I was only a little disappointed when deweyintoronto called to say she'd fallen asleep on her couch and wouldn't be able to make it out for a beer.

I took to my own bed relatively early and slept reasonably well.

Morning, though, took my sang-froid and hurled it into the abyss.

The sun was up, but Laura wasn't in our bed.

I staggered up and inspected our quiet apartment.

Not here.

Elsewhere.

Fuck.

Like twin demons struggling for their satanic majesty's approval, worry and jealousy battled for neurotic supremacy within my emo heart.

Come 11:00 AM, hungry and strung-out on a nearly full pot of coffee, I donned outdoor apparel and cycled off to the Cadillac Lounge, my laptop, newspaper and various reading matter strapped to my back. A little writing, I thought, is what I chiefly need: breakfast and Steamwhistle besides, are very good indeed -

But (and, Gentle Readers, I know you've already guessed the ending), it turned out that Steamwhistle was not the help I hoped it would be.

Breakfast, newspaper, and four pints, found me three hours later, in a foul, self-pitying mood.

I wobbled home and, though Laura had returned, it was with pointless grief I greeted her.

"Why didn't you call?" I whined.

"Where were you?" I implored.

"What did you do?" I implied.

(The drama, folks, was all in my own head. To stop possible gossip: she'd gone dancing, come back to a friend's and gone to sleep. There was no betrayal, no hanky-panky, only the small sin of having forgotten to call. And truth be told, jealousy had long since won the upper hand in my paranoic mind.)

We stayed up a while, and talked, then watched most of The Big Lebowski until I found I had to turn in, drunker than when I'd arrived, guilt-ridden and knowing this sort of behaviour is exactly what - sooner or later - will drive from me that which I love most in this world, if I can't change myself. Controlling my feelings isn't an option. I have to learn to trust her in my heart - and to act on that trust - or I am going to fuck up the best thing that has ever happened to me.

* * *

Why am I telling you all this - friends, strangers and aquaintances alike? Laura and I have talked it out, and yet I am still compelled to type it, too.

I suppose as a reminder, to myself, that I must become more aware, that I must stop letting things pile up inside me like a billion feathers in a pillow-case. My habit of bursting is no good to me, no good to her and - god knows - it is no good to us.

(Incidentally, as I type this, I am feeling much better, so no need for comforting notes. If any of you have pragmatic advice, on the other hand ...)
Tags: laura, relationships
Subscribe

  • Meme from londonkds

    Papa's young philogospher • Name a BAND (NOT a song, NOT a solo performer) that starts with the letter “D”. • Please don’t Duck Duck Go…

  • Meme: Pronoun check

    [Yoinked from sabotabby] Meme: Pronoun/title/adjective check! As in, "what I think of these pronouns/titles/adjectives as applied to…

  • So far, so lucky: Plague Journal #001

    </p> 1. Are you an Essential Worker? Sort of. My day job is in the transportation industry, driving flight crews between the airport and their…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 14 comments

  • Meme from londonkds

    Papa's young philogospher • Name a BAND (NOT a song, NOT a solo performer) that starts with the letter “D”. • Please don’t Duck Duck Go…

  • Meme: Pronoun check

    [Yoinked from sabotabby] Meme: Pronoun/title/adjective check! As in, "what I think of these pronouns/titles/adjectives as applied to…

  • So far, so lucky: Plague Journal #001

    </p> 1. Are you an Essential Worker? Sort of. My day job is in the transportation industry, driving flight crews between the airport and their…