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Relapse! - The Annals of Young Geoffrey: Hope brings a turtle [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Young Geoffrey

[ Website | Edifice Rex Online ]
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Relapse! [Feb. 28th, 2005|04:04 am]
Young Geoffrey
[mood |determined]

I. Am. Not. Taking. The quit-meter. Down ...

* * *

Frustrated by the fact my site still wasn't finished, that I was, in fact, getting blocked by my mental insistence that it be Perfect before I put it up, I left work and made my way to the Shanghai Cowgirl, in hopes of getting some writing done.

More reading than writing was the result, and by the time I left I was jonesing. I contemplated the magazine shop next door, thought of standing supplicant at the counter and ordering a pack of smokes.

I was saved by the sight of a streetcar not far off and instead crossed to the island to await its arrival.

But the Urge to Smoke only grew stronger as we travelled west. I exited at Triller and forced myself to walk home to the apartment. Inside, I decided to rent a movie (The Presidents of the United States, with James Garner and Jack Lemmon; despite the potentially charming cast, stay away! It's awful). I wandered aisles until the aforementioned video caught my eye, then stepped back out into the night.

I started home, got halfway, then retraced my steps, passed the video store and entered the mis-named, 24-hour, Sak's Fine Foods. Ordered a pack of small, Player's Light Regular. No way I wanted my regular shop to gloat over my fall.

And I snuck home, opened my office window, and proceded to smoke my brains out. "I won't tell anyone," I told myself desperately. "I'll just lie and, therefore, it won't have happened. It won't have happened. It won't have happened ..."

Thursday saw me having a quick pint with Laura, though.

"How's the not-smoking going?" she asked, and I had to admit the truth. She laughed at my description of sneaking around on my regular corner store and offered supportive agreement that a relapse doesn't necessitate doing so again.

But I have. Another pack after banging on Steve's door and bar-hopping around Parkdale on Friday night. And still another fucking pack today.

But that's it, people. I'm done. My chest hurts when I breathe deep and self-loathing fills my soul, despite the fact the new version of my site is (more or less) ready for public approbation (or not, as the case may be).

I'm not a smoker again and I won't take down the quit-meter - but if you're neurotic enough to care about strict accuracy, subtract 3 packs from the total not smoked.

Sigh ...

[User Picture]From: sooguy
2005-02-28 03:04 pm (UTC)
Hey, don't beat yourself up too much. You exhibited a lot more will power than a lot of people.

You probably needed the relapse to show you that although you crave it, you definitely aren't enjoying it anymore.

Good luck.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2005-03-02 12:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I suspect you're right - about needing the relapse(s). I'm feeling reasonably optimistic again.
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[User Picture]From: queenofdemons
2005-02-28 05:55 pm (UTC)
two of my favourite quotes on 'failing'

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

But seriously - you got to slip a little in order to slide into success. You'll be fine. Chin up!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2005-03-02 12:30 pm (UTC)
I hope you're right. I sure as hell don't want to start over from scratch again.
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[User Picture]From: offermeescape
2005-02-28 11:39 pm (UTC)

But don't you have to quit all over again? You have all that nicotine back in your system. :(
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2005-03-02 12:31 pm (UTC)
No, not quite. I suspect it's much in the mind, but there is a significant psychological, if not physical, difference between quitting after a bender and quitting after smoking a pack-a-day for 6 months or 6 years.

Hope remains.
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