November 16th, 2002

I haven't aged a bit

[from] Confessions of a Quitter - Disaster Strikes!

So the big brother came into town last night. Buying dope, which he smokes with a *huge* amount of tobacco. I said, "You'll have to take it outside," but relented. He's walking with a cane and said, "Well, I definately won't be staying over-night."

"All right," I said. "Roll it up."

I made the mistake of having a toke. And a toke. And a toke. Enjoyed it.

And today, on my final break at the office, stopped in at a corner store and bought a pack of smokes - Players Light, Kings, 'natch.

I've smoked half a pack since then. And - god damn it - I like it.

Fuck. Now, I've got to quit all over again. Will it be as hard tomorrow as it was a week-and-a-half ago? I fear it will be. Worse, I fear, I will just give up and buy another pack when I awake.

Meanwhile, I just spoke with Siya (the ex, for those of you - *is* anyone reading this?) a few minutes ago. She thinks she may be pregnant (yes, the new guy), and I haven't heard from her. Asked how she's doing. She hasn't gone to a doctor yet, says she will next week.

Why do I care? Why does it still hurt so much? Especially since, intellectually, I don't even want her back (or to take me back, since she dumped jme).

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Broken heart, cigarettes still controlling me ...

I don't hate life, but I'm not very happy right now.

I miss Siya ...