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Young Geoffrey

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The Return of a Sad Man [Jul. 15th, 2006|09:55 am]
Young Geoffrey
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[mood |sadsad]

It's over. On Tuesday night my heart was cast aside like an unwanted toy. And suddenly, much that had confounded and confused me was made clear; much that I had thought was my fault became more complex, and my own sense of culpability was much reduced, if not eliminated entirely.

In other words, Laura and I have broken up. It gives me some comfort to be able to say that I put the relationship out of its misery - in retrospect, I should have seen that the end was coming quite some time ago.

Without going into the gory - and no doubt very one-sided - details, I have spent the past few months in an increasingly-constant state of stress, quick to anger and - for the past 6 weeks or so - very often dreading to come home.

But I said I wasn't going to go into details. Suffice it to say that I felt ill-used and disrespected on a number of levels, increasingly cut out of Laura's life and - at the end - betrayed.

And so, on Tuesday night, I told her the relationship was over. She left on Wednesday, which day I spent in a self-medicated haze, watching 6(!) episodes of Battlestar Galactica (the best television science fiction it has been my pleasure to encounter - but that is probably a topic for another entry) and doing very little else. I neglected to even contact the office to let them know I wouldn't be coming in, but I seem to have been forgiven; people seem to understand that losing one's parner, with whom one had (however naively) hoped to spend the rest of one's life, is a higher-order trauma than, say, breaking up with one's girlfriend of 6 weeks.

Meanwhile, of course, life goes on. In my nerdly case, part of that means a return to blogging (along with, apparently, my capitulation in the face of that hideous neologism's unstoppable popularity). Looking back, I think my long (dear god! 3 months!) absence from these pages was due in large part to my deteriorating relationship.

Angry at Laura, hurt by Laura, frustrated with Laura, she was close to all I would have want to blog about. And yet, I was too confused about what was going on to know just what to say - not to mention that some things are simply nobody's business but hers and mine (and whoever we choose to confide in over drinks).

So. Yes. I am very sad and a little bitter. In time, I will better remember the many and intense joys Laura brought to my life than I will the painful finale. For now, though, the hurt, anger and disappointment have the emotional upper-hand.

And meanwhile, I am single again, and determined I will not repeat the mistake I allowed myself to fall into the last time I suddenly found myself dealing with the end of a relationship. Over the course of nearly 2 years, I had (if memory serves) 4 dates and got laid precisely once, after something like 18 months of celibacy. In other words, no wallowing in self-pity this time around, no giving in to depression.

I am self-aware enough to know I need some time before plunging into the risks of another serious relationship (though: never say, "Never," Young Geoffrey), but I won't play the hermit again. That means putting myself out there, on the internet and in life.

An unpleasant truth I have learned about myself recently, is that I too easily let people drift away from me, letting email sit for ages unanswered (another apology, Sean, and John) for unconscionable periods of time, almost never being the first to call, &cetera. More, I tend to dismiss people for what they are not, rather than appreciating them for what they are. I can too easily get impatient and - apparently - am sometimes rude and arrogant.

Not the sort of person I thought I was; not the sort of person I want to be. (With that consciously in mind, I went to a part recently, and quite to my surprised spent a good chunk of the evening enjoying the company of a man I had previously thought of as an idiotic bore. Change really is possible.)

Anyway, I digress.

I am heartbroken, but I am also relieved. The fact of a conclusion is infinitely superior to the stress of a drawn-out, painful coming-to-a-conclusion - especially when one doesn't realize what is going on is an ending in progress.

I will miss Laura, but we had reached a point where we were making each other unhappy and that isn't what I want to do to my partner, nor have done to me.

In other positive news, I am writing again - last week, i completed the first draft of a 7500 word story, to be re-written on the keyboard over the next few days. I will either submit it somewhere, or post it somewhere soon. If the latter, naturally, I'll let you know where to find it.

In yet other news, I "suddenly" find myself in possession of an extra ticket to the Peaches concert at the Kool Haus on Tuesday night. If any of you locals would like to accompany me, send an email to peaches@ed-rex.com. Sort of first-come, first served, but I reserve the right to discriminate based on whatever criteria I choose.

Finally, I am somewhat surprised that so few of you have dropped me from your friends' lists during my long silence. Thanks, and I'll definitely do my best to reward with more (and better) entertainment in the future. Special thanks to stolen-identity and to fadefromnothing for your kind words over on myspace.

I guess that's it. I'm back, I'm hurting, but life is a marvellous adventure and I'm far from through with it yet.

Oh, one more thing. Not only have I not been writing on livejournal, I haven't been reading it, either. I am not going to go back over 4 months' of journals, so if I pop up with a comment in yours with a question or comment that seems naive, forgive me, for I am out of the loop.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: stolen_identity
2006-07-15 04:44 pm (UTC)
i'm really sorry to hear that, geoff :(

if you want to talk over drinks, i will try to be as good of a listener as you were for me when i broke up with dave.

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 05:36 pm (UTC)

Me Too ...

Thanks, KT. I've actually been meaning to contact you about that drink ever since the Olympics ended but, as I think I said in my post, I've been too stressed-out to make much of an effort to reach out to people.

I'd love to.
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[User Picture]From: ellie_elephant
2006-07-15 04:51 pm (UTC)
I don't really have any experience in consoling friends after break ups, since none of my friends have had relationships as close as the one between you and Laura. All I can say is that I'm sorry it ended so badly for you, and I really hope you find happiness again.

I'm looking forward to reading your posts again - I've also been gone from LJ-land for the past few months.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 05:39 pm (UTC)

No Consolation Required

There really isn't anything anyone could say that would help - only time and distractions will do that. But thanks for your kind thoughts.

You really have been gone from LJ for a long time, by the way. I recall it had already been a long time when I dropped off the map. I hope you're doing well - are you still in Thailand>
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[User Picture]From: ellie_elephant
2006-07-16 05:57 am (UTC)

Re: No Consolation Required

I'll be in Thailand until mid-August, and then it's off to the land of sausages and beer. Yay! Over the past few months, I've been terribly busy with exams, graduating, saying goodbye to people I'd known for over ten years, so I never got around to posting... and the longer you don't post, the more things you have to update about, and then you just end up putting it off, until you have even more to post about. It's a vicious cycle.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:54 pm (UTC)

Re: No Consolation Required

"...and the longer you don't post, the more things you have to update about ..."

I know what that's all about. And I can only imagine that you have been extremely busy. Do you intend to return to Thailand some day, or is this an entirely new stage in your life?

Regardless (and though I'm sorry you didn't end up at a university in Canada), I look forward to reading your impressions of Europe in the months and years ahead.
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[User Picture]From: justred
2006-07-15 05:50 pm (UTC)
Everything happens at exactly the right time for exactly the right reasons. Maybe when it stops hurting you'll be able to see the silver lining :)
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 05:53 pm (UTC)
I've never managed to believed that (after all, how do you explain the Holocaust with that philosophy?), but in this case, I think you're right. And in any event, I appreciate the sentiment - thanks.
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[User Picture]From: justred
2006-07-15 06:01 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 06:09 pm (UTC)
Oh shit, I'm sorry! I really should know better. (In fact I do know better. Mea culpa.
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[User Picture]From: justred
2006-07-15 06:49 pm (UTC)
Ah geeky humor :P
Just trying to put a smile on your face today.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 07:09 pm (UTC)
And you succeeded admirably. :)
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[User Picture]From: tyskkvinna
2006-07-15 05:55 pm (UTC)
You have my empathy, more for the process of the loss, than the loss itself, because in the end, the latter is the easy part.

I hope for sunnier skies in your world, and it's good to see you back on Livejournal.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-15 07:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks - I really do seem to be holding up remarkably well, all things considered. And I'm glad to be back.
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[User Picture]From: amaaanda
2006-07-15 07:20 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry Geoff, I know how much she meant to you once upon a time. Misery is misery, though, and if you're unhappy, you were right to stop it.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:04 pm (UTC)

The More I Think About It ...

... the more I realize I should have stopped it quite some time ago. Love may not be blind, but it sure as hell can blind me.
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[User Picture]From: miyyu
2006-07-15 07:28 pm (UTC)
I'm sad for you. There is no easy way to live through a break-up like that, you just have to shuffle through, but it's lousy for a bit. Hang in there.

I've missed your posts. I hope you'll stick around for a bit.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:06 pm (UTC)

Thanks

So far (and it's really early days, of course), I am feeling much better than I would have ever dreamed I might. Maybe this time, since I do know how easily I can fall into a pit of self-pity, I'll just keep on going.

And I do intend to become a regular here again. Thanks for waiting.
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[User Picture]From: tacky_tramp
2006-07-15 07:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! I wondered if your protracted absence was rooted in something upsetting. Wish I hadn't been right.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:07 pm (UTC)

I Wish So Too

The funny thing is, if you'd asked me if the stresses from our problems were what was keeping me away, I'd have said, without any doubts, "No, absolutely not." So much for my vaunted self-knowlede.
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[User Picture]From: madrigalia
2006-07-15 08:14 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear you're writing again, Young Geoffrey. Best wishes.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:56 pm (UTC)

Thank You, Ma'am

Writing, asking a pretty waitress to dinner, I'm feeling shaky but optimistic.
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From: 10021
2006-07-15 10:06 pm (UTC)
I was just thinking of you the other day and wondering where you'd gone to. I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Sorry, no words of wisdom from me, but I hope you are able to find some peace in your writing.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:58 pm (UTC)

Wisdom, Schmisdom

Once her stuff is out of here (tomorrow, I hope), I like to think that having my office be my office again will help.
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[User Picture]From: sabotabby
2006-07-15 11:24 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry, Geoff. All I can say is that things will get better eventually, and you'll be able to look at what made you love her and not all of the pain towards the end.

But until then, there's beer.

*hugs and such*
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:48 pm (UTC)

Beer

Yes, the fruit of the hop has been a very helpful comfort to me this week - though not, a couple of nights, to Laura's cellphone.

Are you still working in my area? If so, we should quaff a pint at Java again.
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[User Picture]From: queenofdemons
2006-07-16 01:45 am (UTC)

Six Degrees of Separation?

Oddly enough you two crossed my mind earlier this week after having inadvertantly spotting you last week (I believe twas...). This morning I was looking at my friends list and thought, wonder if they're ok.

Im very sorry to have my questions answered sometimes.

*insert typical sentimental-comment-bouncing-off-your-"its ok" shield here*

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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 02:52 am (UTC)

Re: Six Degrees of Separation?

Where did you spot us? Why didn't you say hello? (I still sometimes kick myself for not taking you up on your offer to make us dinner.)
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[User Picture]From: queenofdemons
2006-07-17 08:43 pm (UTC)

Re: Six Degrees of Separation?

I'd seen you actually about a week ago when I was heading to Drake Hotel. I was at Queen/Bathurst area. Again, I am not sure if it was you, but sure looked alot like you!

As for the dinnner - well i didn't want to say but....
;-)

Don't worry - you shall party hearty soon I predict.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-20 03:19 am (UTC)

Re: Six Degrees of Separation?

It certainly could have been me - I work at Queen and Spadina and, over the past couple of months, have been spending far too much time on the patio at Java.

Was I on a bike? Walking? And why didn't you say hello?
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[User Picture]From: queenofdemons
2006-07-21 05:52 pm (UTC)

Re: Six Degrees of Separation?

You were walking and yes it would have been heading in the direction of Queen Spadina. There are many reasons I could say as to why I didn't say hi - something sophisticated and non-trivial, but the truth is ;
= just wasn't sure!
= looked horrible that day

Vain but true. Bad day. =)

Next time though! I shall carry a costume like womder woman and do the quick change thing. or I could just not care and say Hi. lol

Im normally at Horseshoe though.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-23 01:04 am (UTC)

Re: Six Degrees of Separation?

It certainly could have been me.

Next time, take the chance - even if you *do* look "horrible". I like a short skirt and well-turned ankle (whatever the hell the latter half of that sentence means) as much as the next straight, single and heterosexual guy, but I am even more concerned with the *person*, not whether or not her hair is Lake Ontario fresh (er, or whatever, better, metaphor you prefer).

Meanwhile, on what nights and at what times might I "stumble" upon you at the Horseshoe?
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From: spells_disaster
2006-07-16 02:02 am (UTC)
i missed reading your posts, even though, i myself had a bit of a livejournal hiatus. granted, i too have been through a bit of a breakup myself and through it all, i realized that myself hadn't been writing as often as i would have liked to, and that situation reinspired me...as does biking for an hour and a half most days to...put things in perpective.
best,
kate
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:46 pm (UTC)

Breakups and Hiatuses(sp?)

Sorry to hear about your own romantic disaster, Kate. And thanks for your kind words - I'm looking forward to getting re-acquainted with your journal again, too.
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[User Picture]From: subsequently
2006-07-16 04:36 am (UTC)
Hey, hi,

You and I virtually *befriended* each other at a point earlyish on with you and Laura where life was very, very intense, and have had little communication since, so I hope you'll bear with my commenting now, knowing so little.

From the sparse bit I saw, the relationship was volatile, passionate, but from my uneducated vantage point - unlikely to be long term. All judgements aside, the simple fact that you're already writing (short stories! YEAH!) is a sign of intellectual AND emotional health and I raise my glass to you for picking up the pen instead of the remote, battlestar aside.

I've been through breakups and plain and simple: they suck. Write as much as you can, wherever you can. The voice inside your head will keep you better company than you ever imagined. Here's to a summer and fall - and life - of surprises, around the corner, down the bend.

-Gila

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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-16 09:40 pm (UTC)

Bearing and Bearing Up

It's true, we've seldom communicated directly with one another, but I certainly don't mind you commenting now.

It's true, with a 22 year age-gap to start things off, the odds were against the relationship lasting - some might say 27 months is pretty remarkable in itself. Still, it might have lasted, if Laura had really wanted it to, if she had been willing to put in the work non-exploitative relationships require. But she wouldn't or couldn't, and - in retrospect - that made an ending inevitable.

Anyway, I do intend to fill my time with "real" writing (not to mention writing here from time to time), along with some serious skirt-chasing (if you'll pardon the archaism) - I want to have some fun, damn it!

Ahem.
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[User Picture]From: beable
2006-07-17 04:21 am (UTC)

Hi Geoff, I'm sorry to hear that.

Whether you were expecting it to last forever or not, breaking up still hurts like hell.

I don't really know you (outside of LJ) but I did used to enjoy reading your posts, and look forward to seeing you writing more online.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-20 03:27 am (UTC)

Forever Not

Expecting it to last forever makes the shock of termination that much more ... well, shocking. I am finding though (on Day 8, so take it with a grain of salt), that feeling angry, instead of hurt, seems to make it much more easy to deal with. At least for me.

Right now, I feel kind of the way I did when I got beat up. I made some mistakes, someone took advantage and hit me, but I can (I think) just pick myself up and carry on with my life.

Obviously, I don't know you outside of LJ either (though I've thought of you, and the possibility of meeting up for a beer or something when I've been in Ottawa), but I'm pleased that you are on my friends' list, because I like your posts, too.
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[User Picture]From: sooguy
2006-07-17 05:30 am (UTC)
Sorry to hear about the break-up. These things are never pretty.

Glad you are back. I was more tempted to "Nudge" you than drop you from my FL.

Good luck with getting back out there and dating.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-20 03:30 am (UTC)

Nudging

I sometimes think that "nudging" is a more mature way of dealing with an LJ friend's silence than dropping - but I have more than once been guilty of the latter.

Thanks for the good wishes. If "my" waitress hasn't found another job, she has to be working tomorrow - and I really want to tell her I remember that I asked her out for dinner. (I'm not counting on a "Yes" - though I would be delighted to get it - but to never get an answer would be far worse than a "No".)
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[User Picture]From: offermeescape
2006-07-18 11:42 pm (UTC)
Well, Geoffrey, firstly let me tell you that I am sorry for what has ttranspired here. Let me also say that you are certainly not deserving of this, and I hope you can find the strength to get through it.

I think you will get through this. I know that everything may seem really bad right now and the pain is hard to deal with.. but with each day that passes by, there will be a little positive growth in your feelings and before you know it, a miss will be knocking at your front door once again. Give yourself time, though, because time gives you the perspective you'll need to establish future relationships.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-20 03:34 am (UTC)

Deserving?

No, I guess not. I knew the relationship was long odds going on, but the way it ended was pretty harsh.

But I do have the strength to get through it (thank you). Live is too short to let anger or bitterness poison one's soul.

As for time, I just want to have some fun. Now. I'm not expecting or offering commitment (though I won't entirely rule out the possibility), but I sure as hell want to get out into the world again.
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From: (Anonymous)
2006-07-25 08:11 am (UTC)

travellin' around

Crappy! I'm glad you're back though. I was also wondering what was up, hoping it was good news. You will triumph!

In your internets absence, I made plans to visit Ottawa, Aug. 15 to 22. Mike and I land in Toronto for an hour - 1 pm to 2:05 pm. It's a Tues. You're probably working, no? Otherwise, I wonder if we could take a later flight out of TO? Is that even something to consider? Is the TO airport hours from where you live/hang out? Or maybe you like to visit your Dad?! We're staying in Ottawa during the week, but going to a cousin's picnic in Peterborough on the weekend.

Lots of love,

Malcolm
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2006-07-30 12:03 am (UTC)

Re: travellin' around

Shit, I just cancelled a two-week vacation that would have encompassed your plans. The Toronto airport is a good hour out of downtown. But my ex-sister-in-common law and my neice live in Peterborough; I might be able to make it on the weekend. If nothing else, we might be able to catch up at the lovely Only Cafe.

Yes. Let's figure something out. I can probably get a couple of extra days off.
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