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Musings From the Rhino - The Annals of Young Geoffrey: Hope brings a turtle [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Young Geoffrey

[ Website | Edifice Rex Online ]
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Musings From the Rhino [Oct. 29th, 2003|03:52 am]
Young Geoffrey
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Sinead O'Connor - I Do Not Want What I Have Not Got]

I sometimes feel I have been living for 15 years in an interregnum.

Fancying myself a writer, I have spent more time as a secretary, providing technical support to internet users, or taking the easy road in newsgroup flame-wars than I have in creating fiction or crafting thought-provoking essays.

Fun is easier than work, no question.

15 years ago (or so), during one of those half-drunk, deadly-serious conversations that reinforce an already-strong relationship, I told my cousin (and life-long friend) Morgan (then called Karen, but that's a different story entirely) that, if I had not "made it" as a writer by the age of 30, I would take a serious look at my life; re-evaluate my aspirations, expectations and goals.

The deadline passed some time ago.

Since then, my novel remains a work-in-progress; I have self-published 3 or 4 short stories written during that time; posted same on my website; I've experienced 3 serious relationships and a number of flings; I have no children. I've gone from temp jobs to full-time employment, albeit in an industry and for a company of questionable stability.

Truth is, I never did that promised re-evaluation, not really - not like an audit, let alone like a forensic analysis.

Instead, I gave "it" another year. And then another. And another.

I did publish those zines. I acted in a play. I learned the basics of html and launched a website. I've made and lost friends and lovers. But in many ways, not all that much has changed.

I have experienced no epiphany.

I make a little more money now than I did then, back in the good old days of the (first) Gulf War; I've continued to read and to learn; my politics have shifted a little to the right of Anarchy; I've discovered the internet; I've had my heart broken and letters to the editor printed in Frank Magazine, The Comics Journal and The Globe and Mail.

I still aspire to be a writer, to earn my living through my thoughts and words, not so different from the teenager I once was.

So, it seems, the interregnum continues.

Over the past year-and-a-half I have written 2 short stories (1 a love-letter of sorts to my then-girlfriend; obviously: that didn't work. The other, an attempt at pornography and seduction; it failed as the latter but may find a space on my website, whenever it is I get around to updating it). The aforementioned letters to the editor. Newsgroup posts and, lately, livejournal entries. And, of course, scribbled notes after work in my local watering-hole.

The novel taunts me still.

Both polyamory and long-term monogamy remain rumours whispered late at night.

I continue to rail about the state of the world, but do little about it. I fantasize about unobtainable and inappropriate women and, occasionally, get them - only to re-learn why they were so.

All of which is to say ... what?

That I can't have a mid-life crisis because I have yet to master adolescence?

Maybe.

Or, maybe, that I should spend more time living in the moment, and less, worrying about "success" as it is defined by others.

It's fucking hard to say, you know that?

I am basically a fairly happy boy, yet not a satisfied boy. My circle expands, yet it remains a circle.

And why am I telling you (whomever you may be) all of this?

I guess I'm not, really. I'm talking to myself - but I don't mind if others listen in. Maybe someone will have something useful to say in response.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: wyera
2003-10-29 06:35 am (UTC)
Sometimes we're afraid of succeeding at what we most want because we'll then be responsible for its success or failure.
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