|[from my-diary.com] Day 5 - Confessions of a Quitter
||[Nov. 11th, 2002|08:18 am]
The weekend past is a blur, a haze of dope and food and videos and Simpsons. And a few beers.|
Managed, somehow, to stay off the tobacco and hardly thought about Siya very much at all, even though her most recent ICQ message said something to the effect of, "I do want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not yet."
Is she cynically leaving out a soupcon of hope just so I won't bail out of her life completely? Or does she mean it? And if she does, even now, would I be ready to take her back?
When I *have* been thinking of her these past couple of days, I have been trying to remind myself of those things I didn't like - the astrology, the shopping, the obsession with things "cute" (stuffed animals, nick-nacks, stickers ... Christ, there were times she reminded my of my 12 year-old niece).
Anyway. I fear I already talked about all that during my previous entry.
But what the hell, no one's reading it anyway - and why should they?
Despite the holiday, I am at the office. Slow day so far. I've been here almost 3 hours and haven't yet taken a single call. Probably not the best situation, since my brain is still too foggy to take advantage of the free time and write something serious - and because part of me *does* want to break down and have a smoke.
God ... to feel that hot, dry breath scratch its way down my throat; to taste the tar as it coats my teeth; to feel the ashy residue catching on my nose-hairs ...
Jesus. It really sounds disgusting, doesn't it?
And I've got to remember the $35 now in the jar on my desk. That's 5 days worth of cigarette money I would have spent if I hadn't quit. It'll be $196 when I hit 4 weeks.
Maybe I *will* buy a car one of these days ...
Alright. I'm boring myself.
When I haven't been vegging out, or organizing my files, or cleaning, I have been starting the process of trying to meet ... Someone New.
hotornot.com; ratemyface.com; ratemybody.com; wanttomeetme.com ...
I've even managed to do a little flirting, but no sign of anyone serious yet - certainly not about whom I am likely to be serious.
Of course, I don't really *want* to be serious yet. I know I haven't fully recovered from Siya yet; it wouldn't be fair to meet someone who was expecting a fully-engaged counterpart.
At the same time, god damn it, I want to have some fun!
I want to go out for drinks in the company of a woman; want the excitement of a new personality and the thrill of the possibility of exploring a body previously unknown to me.
I want to meet a woman - a younger woman, I'll admit - who wants a no-strings-attached fling; someone who can make me laugh without making me desparate.
Blah blah blah.
I should learn to approach people in bars ... (right)