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Bicycle Shock!Parking Horror! - The Annals of Young Geoffrey: Hope brings a turtle [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Young Geoffrey

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Bicycle Shock!Parking Horror! [Jul. 26th, 2004|06:34 pm]
Young Geoffrey
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]

- Richmond and Spadina (staff)

Notorious man-about-town Young Geoffrey's day ended in near-tragedy this afternoon, following a harrowing day in the Web Networks Command Centre.

"I find it difficult to believe I controlled myself," a shaken Mr. Geoffrey said. "The urge to exact vengeance was strong in this one." Lighting a cigarette with shaking hands on the windswept corner as a patter of rain fell into the dank streets, he continued, "You read about it in the paper; you hear stories whispered in dark bars late at night; but you never think it will happen to you!"

Mr. Geoffrey fought back a sob. "I guess I'll have to take the streetcar," he muttered. "It's that or just rip off my fender. And maybe kick in a few of the bastard's spokes."

Gasps arose from the onlookers surrounding the tragedy, but Mr. Geoffrey visibly gathered up his fallen aplomb and assured the gawkers, "I'm kidding," he said, "I'm kidding. Two tragedies don't make a comedy."

Rare in a city of Toronto's side, the shattering effects of some careless knob locking his (or her) bike to yours, trapping it like a an unfortunate seal on an ice-floe off Newfoundland, only those who have experienced the pain can truly understand its devastating effects.

As Mr. Geoffrey finally gave up hope the culprit would turn up any time soon, he turned and prepared to start north, towards Queen Street and the dreaded streetcar. As he did so, a figure darted from the crowd and pressed a business-card upon him.

"Fuck off!" Mr. Geoffrey snarled.

"I'm a grief-counsellor!" the matter replied. "Call me!"

"I said, 'fuck off'! Mr. Geoffrey replied.

But this reporter noted that he pocketed the card - and hopes this means the healing process will soon begin.

-30-
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: stolen_identity
2004-07-26 03:54 pm (UTC)
the -30- at the end makes it very authentic ;)
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-26 05:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks - I always feel like I'm using too many words when I try to do mock-journalism.
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[User Picture]From: viewpoints
2004-07-26 04:15 pm (UTC)
Gyah. At least you made it an entertaining LJ entry.
And since I'm new to your LJ, if this is fabricate, well, better yet for having me believe. ^^
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-26 05:27 pm (UTC)
I confess: it was all lies, except for the fact the swine did accidentally (or so I presume) catch my front fender's, er, doo-hickey, in their lock.
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[User Picture]From: viewpoints
2004-07-26 05:46 pm (UTC)
LOL! Well, I know it's been embellished. I was just wondering if the ass had actualy locked his bike to yours, or if you were just stretching your finger muscles. Now that I know, I add-
The swine! Asshat!
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-26 06:08 pm (UTC)
Sorry about that - sometimes people don't pick up on my humour and so I tend to over-explain.

To be fair, I don't think bozo did it deliberately - though I still fantasized about kicking in some spokes. Only my outstanding upbringing stopped me - er, and also the fact that he had my bike and would probably have exacted vengeance most foul.
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[User Picture]From: viewpoints
2004-07-26 06:37 pm (UTC)
lol! ^^ I actually really enjoy your entries. A little bit of comedic relief, written well, is always needed. And it's still a LJ post.
Did that make sense? I'm a bit incoherent today.....
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-27 04:44 am (UTC)
So long as you "really enjoy" my entries, you can make as much or as little sense as you like. (le purr, le purr)

Ahem.

It mostly made sense; I'm not sure what you meant by "And it's still an LJ post", though.
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[User Picture]From: viewpoints
2004-07-27 07:31 pm (UTC)
Lord only knows. I think it means that I enjoy how you take normal "Life sucked" posts and turn them into interesting pieces of writing which may or may not include the theme of 'life sucked'.
And I really do enjoy your writing style. For one thing- I can never tell if you're being erious or sarcastic. ^^
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-28 04:23 am (UTC)
Thank god the Milhouse eyebrows, else I'd have been wondering again.

Thanks, man.
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[User Picture]From: viewpoints
2004-07-28 11:31 am (UTC)
Gal, but no prob. ^^
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[User Picture]From: offermeescape
2004-07-26 04:28 pm (UTC)
Such an unfortunate accident. A pair of industrial strength wire cutters would have been your saving grace. Now your poor bike is trapped there and exposed to the lowest of the low thieves who may wish to bestow their dirty little hands upon it.

Cut his lock.

And cut his chain.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-26 05:28 pm (UTC)
No tools, certainly nothing that would snip through one of those U-bars.

Fortunately, my bike is about 20 years old and not at all fashionable (road-bike style) - it's unlikely anyone would want it enough to go through my U-bar.
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From: flickerine
2004-07-26 10:17 pm (UTC)

Mr Geoff....

How come you are allowed to refer to yourself as Mr Geoff, but I am not? Seeing as I don't know your last name, I thought I was only being polite.
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-27 04:16 am (UTC)

Re: Mr Geoff....

Because I am notoriously fickle and inconsistent? :)

Seriously, I used the "Mr." because it's common journalistic style to do so (except in the Sports section).

And I took no offense at the "Mr", rather I wanted you to know it was unnecessary.
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[User Picture]From: brighteyedgirlx
2004-07-27 04:25 am (UTC)
Add me you interesting interesting human
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-27 03:04 pm (UTC)
Yes ma'am (flattery won't get you everywhere, but it often helps).

Where in Michigan is Fraser (my mum was born and partly raised in Detroit).
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[User Picture]From: brighteyedgirlx
2004-07-27 03:13 pm (UTC)
Suburb of Detroit ... north of Detroit
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-29 06:42 pm (UTC)
My mum's brother used to live in Royal Oak, but it's been so long since I've been I don't remember where around detroit that is.
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[User Picture]From: brighteyedgirlx
2004-07-29 09:43 pm (UTC)
My sister lives there, very close.
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From: patriarch420
2004-07-27 06:46 am (UTC)
It's Tuesday morning, and I'm awake because I needed to get money off my father before he left for work. But that was an hour ago... So, logically I was drawn to the computer to waste some time... I read this post over and came to the conclusion that... YOU'RE NUTS!! But I wouldn't want you to change for the world. Have a good day muffinhead... xoxo -laura-
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[User Picture]From: ed_rex
2004-07-27 03:05 pm (UTC)
Not nuts, just a tad eccentric - we still on for tomorrow?
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From: patriarch420
2004-07-27 03:06 pm (UTC)
just call me you Fool
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